CTRL+Z: The one where I funded one of the biggest frauds in U.S. history and painted a wall
Let's go #4 A friend introduced me to Alex Mashinsky with the kind of recommendation that makes your ears perk up:
So I met Alex at his office in Manhattan. He told me about Celsius: a bold plan to "unbank yourself" by letting people earn interest or take loans using crypto as collateral—no banks, no middlemen. Just pure, decentralized freedom. Alex was magnetic. A storyteller with conviction. I drank the Kool-Aid fast. Then he asked if I wanted in on the CEL token ICO. It was exclusive, hard to get into, minimum $15K. I didn’t have that. But I knew a colleague at TNW who was into crypto. I pitched him on going in 50/50. He was game. I split my $7.5K into two parts:
I figured by the time they turned 18, maybe they’d have a nice college fund. A wholesome crypto dad dream. The coin launched… and tanked. It got listed on some sketchy exchange, price nosedived, and before long we were 70% underwater. Sorry, kids. Life moved on. I moved out of Amsterdam. Renovations were way pricier than planned. Then CEL started creeping back up—only 20% down. And I needed cash. So… I sold my kids’ CEL tokens to buy paint for the new house. Yep. I sold their college fund for wall paint. At the time, felt like the adult thing to do. Spoiler: it wasn’t. Because about a year later… CEL exploded. From $0.05 to $6.00. A 120x. FML. (Sorry Bo and Denne—you’re buying your own beers in college.) Meanwhile, my colleague texted me:
Oh right. His $7.5K? Now worth almost $700K. To his credit, he didn’t gloat. I transferred his tokens back. He sold and walked away. Not bad for a casual punt. As for Celsius? At its peak: $25 billion in customer assets. Then it blew up harder than a Do Kwon press release. Turns out Alex and his execs were using customer assets to pump CEL’s price and dump their own bags. Classic. Celsius filed for bankruptcy, leaving a $4.7 billion hole in customer funds. Alex? He was accused of orchestrating a multi-billion-dollar fraud scheme. Last week he got sentenced to 12 years in federal prison and to forfeit $48 million. He now shares a dishonor roll with Bernie Madoff and Sam Bank-Friedman. So yeah, maybe one day my kids will read this and nominate me for “Dumbest dad of the decade.” But hey—while they don’t have college funds, they did grow up in a freshly painted house. Enjoy your weekend. Enjoy your freedom. Patrick
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