(Trigger warning about death, hence the title.)

Bugsy Bug Buggums Von Herskovitz Dela Bowlen, 2012-2026

My heart has a hole in it shaped like an 87 pound Mixed Breed fawn-colored rescue dog. Mixed meaning a cross between a Pit Bull, Vizsla, and traces of horse and hippo somewhere in his DNA.

The hole is gaping deep inside.

I'd never had a dog over 20 pounds in my entire life so when Robert and I got together five years ago, Bugsy heaved himself onto me and welcomed me to his pack with his large paws and pony-like body. He was pure muscle and love. He was big sighs and relentless farts taking up a third of our queen-sized bed until our 15 pound Mixed Breed cream-colored rescue, Dreidel, joined our family.

With his sister, Dreidel Ann Louise Margaret Von Herskovitz Dela Bowlen

Our days were filled with fur and paw steps throughout the apartment. Robert, Chief of Fun, was in charge of Tug of War and Fetch; I was Chef, Bartender, and Singer of Silly Songs. Robert is; I am. We're now a pack of 3.

We're down to one greeter at the door when we come home. She is a ball of fur sprinting to welcome us. The elderly 14 year old galloping steed with a frosted snout behind her is gone.

Our space feels different. Bugsy's not on the couch snoring with his four legs in the air. He's not lying down in the middle of the kitchen like an obstacle course station to navigate around or over. He's not crawling on us like a lap dog a quarter of his size.

His bed, food and water dishes, and Kong bones are right where he last touched them. Incovenient reminders of his absence just almost eight weeks after finding blood in his drool.

Drifting off to sleep with his mom and dad

Bugsy is no longer on earth. He left on a beautiful sunny afternoon at 3:26pm on Tuesday, June 2, surrounded by my and Robert's arms as we laid on the floor together at the vet's office. What a privilege to be held while drifting off to sleep forever. In the end, Cancer and Age ravaged his body to the point of no return.

I hope my ending will be filled with love like his was. Filled with tears and kindness and whispers telling me I was a good human. And the sound of my favorite voices ushering me to an Ever After with endless joy.

Until then, I will treasure this hole in my heart and think of the dog who made it. I know he'll be waiting for me at the end of my journey.